It’s All in My Head

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One of the major challenges of having MS is the fatigue and the brain fog that often accompanies it. Brain fog causes lapses in my memory as well as my cognitive function. It’s as if there’s a shroud over my brain and all of the information that I need it to process is fighting to break through. I often feel like I understand part of what I’m seeing or doing but I can’t quite get the whole picture. It’s kind of like when you have a dream and you don’t really remember it when you wake up but something happens in your day that triggers a memory or emotion from the dream and you suddenly get a feeling of deja vu. It’s creepy and frustrating and it happens more often than I’d like.

The fog is caused by the lesions in my brain. The damaged nerve connections cause messages and functions to short circuit and either become delayed or stop all together. Lesion is the term that most doctors and neurologists use to describe the diseased portions of my brain but it’s so clinical that I prefer to call them my spots or my polka dots because they appear as glowing spots on an MRI. I only have a few so far, as I’m early in my diagnosis but as time passes and I experience more relapses, the number of spots will likely increase.

When I set out on my journey as an MS blogger a few short months ago, I struggled for a few weeks with a title. I came up with lots of lame ideas but knew that I wanted the title to have some connection to polka dots. I seriously considered The Spotted Brain but thought that sounded more like someone who was really smart and also happened to have spots. Ultimately, I settled on Cloudy with a Chance of Polka dots because I thought it fit what I experience on a daily basis. My brain is constantly clouded and with that comes the possibility of more lesions – more polka dots. Relapses are unpredictable and can truly happen at any time so there’s always a chance for more. While I can’t help but keep that in the back on my mind, I also know that having MS is about as predictable as the weather forecast so I try to live my life as if my next adventure were just around the corner. It doesn’t always work out that way, but sometimes it does and that’s when I smile.

Inspired by the Daily Post prompt: Clouds.

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