Yesterday I passed one of the most important tests of my life. After two years of ups and downs with MS, I had a stable MRI. My neurologist’s exact words were, “Your brain looks perfect.” My heart fluttered for a moment and then my soul smiled. No new lesions. No brain atrophy. It was the best possible outcome and it was just what I needed to hear. After all I’ve put my body through with the disease modifying drugs (DMDs) to stop the disease progression, the meds to treat the side effects of the DMDs, the vitamins to boost my body’s natural defenses, and the steroids to treat the relapses, it’s comforting to know that it was all for a good cause.
Living with MS is a roller coaster, both physically and emotionally. One day you’re fine and the next it takes all you’ve got just to get out of bed. Some days I’m so dizzy with vertigo I spend the entire day trying to keep from moaning and laying my head down on my desk at work. Other days I wake with extreme fatigue and spend the day fighting to keep my weakened right leg in line so I don’t trip and fall. It’s a hard thing to admit that your body cannot sustain itself without the help of drugs. I’ve always been such a strong willed person and could do anything I put my mind to. Admitting that that’s sometimes no longer possible has been one of the biggest hurdles that MS has thrown at me.
I struggled to put in all 6 of my teeny tiny earrings this morning and almost screamed and/or cried in frustration as my fingers refused to do what they were supposed to do and I kept dropping them. I don’t like to have to take drugs just to keep my body from attacking itself but it’s things like that that keep me from giving them up. I’m not willing to lose my ability to walk or lose more function in my hands. I don’t want to invite more nerve pain or weakness so as much as I hate it, I will continue to take the meds and keep hoping for the best possible outcome.
The brain is such an awesome organ with extraordinary abilities and I hope and pray that I never have to experience what it’s like to lose some of that ability again.
Inspired by the Daily Post writing prompt: Test